i'm getting in way too deep to be considered good.
oh God, how do i know if this is from You or not?
patience was never something i was ever good at.

and this whole week has been torture, God.
TORTURE!
i knew suffering was part of the job description
but, man, i didn't think THIS issue was up for grabs!

i will never be able to please everyone, i know.
but at least my parents?

"Those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

except that those who matter are perfectly human, and they still do mind!
what is up with everyone wanting to create a perfect me?
Singing perfectly.
Speaking perfectly.
Holding in your temper like it never existed.
Dressing perfectly.
Shaped perfectly.
Intellect of a genius.
Military obedience.

if i was supposed to be born perfect, i would have been born GOD.
except, that is impossible.
so why expect me to be perfect?
besides, everyone's view of perfection is different.
so even if i was perfect in somebody's eyes
i still wouldn't be, in someone else's eyes.
there is no pleasing ANYBODY!

rants do your heart a world of good,
but they never solve anything.
if only i didn't know that words hold the power to death and life
i would use them as freely as i wanted!
but with great power comes great responsibility, they say.

i say, with great power comes with a whole load of baggage to deal with.

i wish the people that need to read this would read it
but oh, how impossible that sounds.

oh God, how i long for You to return!
if only so that this suffering may end...
though i know it's not for that purpose.
well one can wish, can't they?

i wonder if this is hormones
or God opening up a well of mysteries in me
that i ought to search and discover.

i can never tell.

re-reading this post, even before i post it online
makes me proud of my literary skills
but deep beneath that false happiness
is this burning ache for real joy.

oh God, my God...
give me Your strength to face my enemies
strength to overcome offense (meant or not meant)
strength to resist the temptation to think of him
strength to finish what i have started
strength to love those that You love (though i don't understand why, at all!)
strength to accept Your will for me, and to obey it whole-heartedly.
amen.