i'm conflicted.
that's the right word.

i try to be honest. really really.
but i'm always scared i will embellish the truth without knowing it.
i guess subconscious lying is what i would call it.
sigh.

why do all good things have to come to an end.
sigh. SO VERY frustrated now.

christmas cards are a pain in the neck to make. just sayin' :P

i never feel like im good enough to serve God.
i know it's a lie from the evil one
but seriously, i'm affected anyhow.
it's hard to continue to remember that God loves me for who i am
and not how much i focus on Him during worship times.

despite distractions, trying is always appreciated, though.
sometimes i forget. heh

i think i have wrong motivations to serve Him where i'm at right now.
the atmosphere is awesome and makes it way better to worship
but i am constantly distracted by people and what they think of me.

and i am blinded by pride! i know i am.
"oh your voice is so good!" pierces deeper than it should.
i want to use my gift for God.
and i know i do
but the heart attitude that comes with it is not Godly.
i get dissatisfied when i dont get it right.
i am angry with myself when i sing a note wrong.
i'm more worried about keeping appearances than actually worshipping!
when is that ever good. sigh.

i don't read the bible either.
im still in october in my yearly devotional book.
i only ever worship when im serving.
singing is one thing.
me spending time with God? kinda rare, honestly.
not that i cannot
it's more like i have not found the will to.
maybe it's cause i dont have people watching me? no motivation then.

pride, pride, pride.

i'm getting in way too deep to be considered good.
oh God, how do i know if this is from You or not?
patience was never something i was ever good at.

and this whole week has been torture, God.
TORTURE!
i knew suffering was part of the job description
but, man, i didn't think THIS issue was up for grabs!

i will never be able to please everyone, i know.
but at least my parents?

"Those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

except that those who matter are perfectly human, and they still do mind!
what is up with everyone wanting to create a perfect me?
Singing perfectly.
Speaking perfectly.
Holding in your temper like it never existed.
Dressing perfectly.
Shaped perfectly.
Intellect of a genius.
Military obedience.

if i was supposed to be born perfect, i would have been born GOD.
except, that is impossible.
so why expect me to be perfect?
besides, everyone's view of perfection is different.
so even if i was perfect in somebody's eyes
i still wouldn't be, in someone else's eyes.
there is no pleasing ANYBODY!

rants do your heart a world of good,
but they never solve anything.
if only i didn't know that words hold the power to death and life
i would use them as freely as i wanted!
but with great power comes great responsibility, they say.

i say, with great power comes with a whole load of baggage to deal with.

i wish the people that need to read this would read it
but oh, how impossible that sounds.

oh God, how i long for You to return!
if only so that this suffering may end...
though i know it's not for that purpose.
well one can wish, can't they?

i wonder if this is hormones
or God opening up a well of mysteries in me
that i ought to search and discover.

i can never tell.

re-reading this post, even before i post it online
makes me proud of my literary skills
but deep beneath that false happiness
is this burning ache for real joy.

oh God, my God...
give me Your strength to face my enemies
strength to overcome offense (meant or not meant)
strength to resist the temptation to think of him
strength to finish what i have started
strength to love those that You love (though i don't understand why, at all!)
strength to accept Your will for me, and to obey it whole-heartedly.
amen.

so while others think i'm crushing on (or worse, flirting with) these guys
actually im not.
im just treating them like how i treat my brothers, that's all.

they bring out the mothering side of me lol.

fear of man.

self-condemnation.

work overload.

sorrow and grief.

no time for myself.

i have absolutely NO one to talk to anymore.

everyone human is sick and tired of my problems.

they have their own too. they dont need to worry abt mine.

i have Jesus.

but i dont have enough time with Him.

i have no peace.

i have no rest.

i have no motivation.

i have no place to go.

i have no outlet.

i know this sounds suicidal but i am not.

never will i even think of disappointing my Creator that way.

i just wanna disappear somewhere.

start a new life.

be someone useful.

have no contact with anyone i know.

just me, my family and my God.

and suffered much more than i'd care to admit.

of course this goes to say that im probably exaggerating

cause im melodramatic like that

but still. its tearing me up inside.

ugh. girl hormones.

scientists shouldnt be wasting time figuring out why the appendix exists.

they'd probably achieve more when they figure out why God gave women PMS.
LOL

i dunno where i need to study.

its depressing stuff seriously.

and im scared my mummy will leave me suddenly.

i don wanna stay in pg anymore.

but i don wanna leave her.